


To Answer Your Question....

by tobinlaughing



Category: Men in Black (Movies)
Genre: Gen, incredibly loosely based on a single line in the first movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 03:46:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobinlaughing/pseuds/tobinlaughing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was watching "Men in Black II" the other night, and when the video-store-loser-guy asks, everso nonchalantly, "What's up with anal probing?"...I thought there should, somewhere, be a logical answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Answer Your Question....

The high-ceilinged hallway outside the Council Chamber was dimly lit and quiet, save for the hurried whispers of the Investigators who waited their turn in the Chamber.

“Where have you been!” Hissed the taller of the two, tapping his touch-screen notepad angrily as his companion blustered down the hall towards him. “Are you trying to get us rescheduled? Again?”

“Calm down,” his shorter counterpart snapped in a low voice, pulling his own notepad out of his pocket and using the screen like a mirror to check his appearance. “We’ve still got five minutes. I’m not even late. If I was late the doors’d be open already.”

The taller one was not impressed. “I haven’t spent a significant portion of my very valuable time, locked up in some research library with you, in order to have our hearing pushed back yet again to yet another indeterminate date, just because you couldn’t be bothered to roll out of bed on time!”

“Oh, would you relax? Look, I’m here, ok? And this isn’t going to be any different from the dozen other reports we’ve given them on this exact same subject. They could probably give it themselves by now.”

His companion’s retort was cut off by the laborious sound of the doors of the Council Chamber being moved—or the attempt being made to move them—against the thick pile of the carpet in the hall. “Just remember what you’re supposed to say!” he hissed as the doors scraped open against the rug. Squaring their shoulders and deliberately not looking at one another, the pair of Investigators strode into the Council Chamber.

Six Council members sat behind an impressively high bench, facing the wide, high-ceilinged and well-lit Chamber—more of a hall, for it could seat more than three hundred bodies on the ground floor and an extra two hundred in the balconied galleries. The Investigators ostensibly seated themselves at the two separate tables facing the Council Seat and made a show of reviewing their notes separately while the Council members finished making notes and signing forms from the previous presentation. Each one represented a major planetary member of the Galactic Trade Council: a tall, spindly Emrivorian leaned over, his bulbous head perched precariously on his thin neck, to ask a question of the violet-skinned, four-armed Havari to his left. The formerly-quadrupedal Occitian poured herself a glass of water , using both forepaws to steady the pitcher while her neighbor, a tentacled Krytinian, eyed the glass warily in case it should spill over his sheaves of notes. A wobbly-snouted Kharlothian and an oblong, pale-skinned Dupti rounded out the Council Seat; of these six, four of their votes would be needed to pass any changes to the laws or charter of the Galactic Trade Council. Minor planetary members--a round dozen planets and half as many inhabited moons across the galaxy--did not have a voice on the Council Seat, although they could appeal to a major planetary representative to express their viewpoints if a deciding vote was forthcoming.

Hrun, the taller of the two Investigators presenting their case today, was an Havari; his partner, Ghvumi, an Occitian with better balance on his hind legs than most of his kind. As the bailiff, a leathery-skinned Dupti, announced their case, both bowed low to the Council Seat.

"Ah yes," the Honorable Representative from Kryntin rumbled, peering over his multifaceted reading lenses at their updated, hardcopy reports, "the strange case of the Central Corridor planet. How do the natives call it? Tyer...traaaa..."

"The societal inhabitants call it 'Terra', your Honor," Ghvumi supplied helpfully.

"Of course. Such a strange name for a planet." Now the six-eyed gaze focused sharply in the direction of both Investigators. "Wasn't someone going to look into the entymology of that word? Why they call it that? For our own edification, of course."

Hrun drew in a whilstling breath through his narrow nose. "There is a root language shared by several of the sub-sections of the societal inhabitants, my lord," he said, managing to sound bored with the report after only its second sentence. "The root syllables have a variety of meanings across the splinter dialects, meaning everything from basic topsoil to the very idea of a firm foundation."

 

“Ah yes, you’ve mentioned this ancestral tongue in previous reports, no?” The Honorable Occitian mused, tapping her own touchpad note-taker on the desktop. Ghvui bowed again.

“Yes, your Honor. They even take their official names from it—though local colloquialisms provide different sub-sections with more common names. I may not have the pronunciation right, but as we’ve heard before, this societal species calls itself hominus.”

“Well,” the Dupti Councilmember harrumphed from his end of the seat, “have you anything new in regards to Ter-ra and the progress of the hominus towards being offered a contract with this council?”

“With regret, your Honor,” Hrun sighed judgmentally through his considerable nose, “these hominus are no closer to meeting our initial standards than they were three cycles ago. The Honorable Council has been keeping watch on this particular planet for nearly a full quarter Galactic Rotation, and they have made remarkably little progress. While my esteemed colleague—“ he indicated Ghvui with a sneer—“continues to hold out hope for their sudden enlightenment, it is the recommendation of this Investigator that the Council cease wasting resources studying the planet Ter-ra and its inhabitants, and focus its energy in more promising directions.”

“Your Honors, no!” Ghvui interjected plaintively. “While considerable time has, indeed, been spent in the study of Terra and the hominus, the Council is most certainly aware by now that we have catalogued millions upon millions of species that the hominus and its domesticated, nonsocietal livestock have cultivated for foodstuffs--! The nonsentient produce of the planet alone, once harvested to distribute amongst the other planets of the Trade Council, will provide and increase—“

“Organize your thoughts, Investigator Ghvui!” the Dupti thumped out. “No matter how many times a planet has been reported on, the standard format of the report still applies. I will hear this report in an orderly fashion or not at all.”

Hrun cast Ghvui a dark look as the Occitian bowed his head. “Of course, your Honor.” Tapping a command into his notepad, Ghvui called up the first of their visual aides: a holographic of the planet in question flickered into view before them, a tiny satellite circling it as it spun on a tilted axis.

“As the Honorable Council is aware, Ter-ra is the third planet in a single-star system that contains seven other planets, one gas giant, and one planetoid too far out on its orbit to be considered viable for colonization or cultivation. Its position in orbit and its single satellite have determined that Ter-ra is the only planet in this particular system capable of sustaining life.”

”Sustaining, or supporting?” the Honorable Krythian interrupted.

“Supporting, your Honor,” Hrun gave smoothly, picking up the thread of narrative. “There are other planets in the system, as well as several satellites orbiting other planets, that would be capable of sustaining life colonized there; however, the native species to the system can only be developed on the third planet. The dominant societal-inclined species calls itself hominus: a bipedal, bi-sexual, vertebrate species that has colonies and major settlements on nearly every landmass on the planet.”

“And are they intelligent?”

“In a manner of speaking, yes,” Ghvui replied slowly. “They show great capacity for invention and machinery in particular, capacity that has only been realized very recently in the species’ history. While their mechanical potential is undeniable, they have explored only the immediate orbit of their planet, preferring to send automated probes to other planets and satellites—again, only in the very recent past.”

”Does the Inspector mean to say that the Council is studying a species that hasn’t even taken itself off-world yet?” The Honorable Dupti demanded incredulously.

“Please, your Honor,” Ghvui put in quickly, “they are making enormous strides towards interplanetary travel, and have passed more than one landmark already. It is not, however, their planetwide focus, and so as a species, only three sub-sections have made strides towards breaking their atmosphere. Mostly,” he added, slightly embarrassed, “they keep to their own orbit and to exploring their satellite.”

“And what do they expect to find there?” the Honorable Krythian snorted. “It’s a piece of their own planet, after all!”

“Yes, your Honor,” Hrun bowed slightly. “While the Council is certainly aware of that fact now, doubtless these hominus will stumble upon the secret eventually.”

The Honorable Krythian waved several tentacles. “Well. On with it, then: why is the Council exploiting time and resources to investigate this questionably intelligent planet?”

“Your Honor is aware, I’m sure, of the rumors in the Agricultural branch of the Trade Council,” Ghvui answered, his growing excitement betrayed only in the twitching of his spotted tail. “There have been more samples of domesticated produce taken from Ter-ra than any other planet, colonized or free, in the Council or out of it. The hominus do not focus their planetwide attentions on space travel because, frankly, their entire society is based around the development, acquisition, and pleasure of food.

“The hominus has experimented since its evolution with nearly every substance, plant, animal, and even mineral that its planet can produce. Every part of a plant or animal has been, at some point, prepared and eaten—even, in some very minor sub-sub cultural splinters, even to the flesh of other hominus.” The Council Seat gasped as one and Ghvui moved swiftly to assuage their fears. “Never fears, your Honors, the hominus themselves place a great taboo on eating the flesh of their own species.”

”Only their own,” Hrun interrupted, just shy of rudeness. “Any and all other species on the planet have been, at some point, consumed in various ways by the hominus. What they cannot eat, they build with or wear; what they cannot eat, build from, or wear, they grind up, ignite and inhale the smoke—this entire species is focused solely on consumption.” Hrun sneered through his long nose: a gesture overlooked by everyone in the room save his partner Ghvui and the Honored ___ at the Council Seat.

“Splintered and sectioned as hominus society is, most of their deepest-seated rituals and beliefs focus on food,” Ghvui continued, his tail waving openly now. “Mythologies, religious texts, ceremonies, daily rituals, even their internal clocks are set and focused around food. And no wonder! The Trade Council has, at present, catalogued more than a billion different plants and animals that the hominus and other predatory species consider edible. Sub-sections of cultures, splinter groups, and larger sections of the societal species even claim familial and clan-ties based on –“ Ghvui glanced down at his notepad, as though he might have memorized the fact wrong, or perhaps that he still didn’t believe it—“based on how they arrange and prepare certain edible varietals for consumption.”

“With all the planetary varieties, what kind of yield could the Trade Council expect from utilization of Ter-ra?” the Honorable Occitian asked, leaning forward on the Seat table.

Hrun interposed while Ghvui coughed uncomfortably. “That information, your Honor, is not yet available. You see, while Ter-ra is indeed possessed of some of the most creative agriculture in the sector, a vast majority of their population is either malnourished or outright starving.”

”And the minority?”

“One could apply the term overnourished, if such a term existed.”

“So half—more than half—the planet is starving, despite all of this agricultural wealth?” The Honorable Occitian could not believe her ears. “Have these hominus not learned how to share?”

“Therein lays the rub, as it were, your Honor,” Hrun answered forthrightly as Ghvui cringed. “As per the Council’s charter, no planet may be approached or offered membership while its inhabitants are obviously in need of that which it would export. The hominus are not only unwilling to help their own kind; they are seemingly bent on each other’s destruction.”

”What??” The Council Seat echoed along its length as Ghvui shot Hrun a disgruntled look.

Hrun continued on, “The hominus has, as many of our species did in our pasts, discovered the enormous energy potential of the split atom. However, rather than utilizing this as a viable energy source for further research and development, they have taken the short road towards turning it into a weapon. The hominus seem to be lethally allergic to the radiation produced by the fission of an atom. They also seem determined to use that radiation to forcibly reduce the population of their own planet.”

“Such radiation spreads, and lingers,” the Honorable Havari mused. “Are they not aware that such use would eventually decimate the victors of such a—such a war?” The horrible word echoed in the vacant observer galleries, and even Hrun suppressed an involuntary shiver at its use.

“They seem not to be concerned with that fact, your Honor,” he replied, “given that they are daily engaged, in nearly all inhabited parts of the planet, in destroying each other in small pockets and conflicts.”

“Why?” The Occitian Councilmember’s question was no more than a horrified hiss.

“As my colleague has previously stated, your Honors—these hominus have developed their species and sub-cultures around the acquisition of food. It is my speculation that some prize gained by destroying other hominus will, somehow, gain them either the resources to expand their nutritional base, or will eliminate competitors to their food supplies.”

“Would a first-contact mission do anything to dissuade them from destroying each other?” the honorable Dupti asked. “Perhaps a planetwide focal point would distract them from outright nihilism.” He glanced down at the rest of the Council Seat—no easy task for him, as his species did not have what we would term a neck—“It has worked before,” he reminded the rest of the Council.

“Let us hear the remainder of the report,” the Honorable Krythian said after a moment’s thought, “and then we will discuss further exploitation of Trade Council resources on this increasingly strange-sounding planet.”

Ghvui was relieved to steer the report away from the shortcomings of the hominus. “As your Honors are aware, we have been researching the hominus for some time, in large part because there is no single species amongst those in the Trade Council that has the digestive capacity to deal with such a wide variety of foodstuffs. Samples have been taken from livestock, minerals, and produce, but give no common reason between the three categories as to why one species might be so tolerant of more than a billion forms of domesticated nutrition. It was decided several dozen turns ago that the answer must lie with the hominus itself, and so a program was initiated to discreetly capture, tag, sample, and release random subjects in order to determine what enabled their digestive capacity.” Ghvui called up their next holoslide: the figure of a dissected body of a hominus revolved slowly in the air.

“And why was this important?” the Honorable Dupti interjected lazily.

“As I have stated, your Honor,” Ghvui gave yet another little bow, “We know of no other species with the capacity to simply digest all of these foodstuffs. If we are to someday enter into a Trade Agreement with Ter-ra then it will be vitally important that all members of the Trade Council are able to reap the benefits of such exports.” The Dupti waved one skinny hand as permission for Ghvui to continue, and he did with relish. “Hominus are formed in such a way that waste is processed as part of the digestion process, using several cleverly-evolved organs to do so. After several captures, releases, and data comparisons, it was determined that several nutrition-related compounds released from here—“ a claw extended from one finger to point to an area just above the hominus’ beginning lower-appendage joints. “We have concentrated a percentage of our data capture on that area in specific,” he added.

The Honorable Occitian looked slightly discomfited. “And are the collections methods the same?” She wanted to know.

“Conveniently enough, the hominus has evolved a waste-elimination orifice that connects, via tissue duct, to the area we are studying,” Ghvui answered proudly. “Insertion of the sample collector in that orifice is, so far, the fastest method of collecting the compounds that we have yet found.”

“And how are the tests subjects reacting to the collection?”

”Their brains are similar, though not as fully developed, to an Havari,” Hrun replied. “We are able to erase most, and in many cases all, traces and memories of the catch-and-release. The hominus almost never remember anything about the encounter in specific, if they remember it at all.”

“Good,” the Honorable Krythian mused, “One would imagine that such an abduction, involving a collection device inserted into an orifice, might cause the hominus some mental trauma later in life.”

“That is why we are as careful as possible, your Honor,” Hrun replied, with a little bow of his own.

“Very well, present your findings,” the Honorable Dupti ordered, obviously bored with the proceedings.

“While our studies continue, our findings have, thus far, provided some very promising and pleasing data,” Ghvui stated smartly. “Nothing, as yet, is conclusive, but our research team is confident that some insight into the digestive habits of the hominus will soon be forthcoming.”

“The planet Ter-ra, while home to a nihilistic species, is nevertheless a potential supplier of exotic and widespread produce and foodstuffs with which to flood our markets,” Hrun added. “However, given that more than half of the dominant societal population is undernourished, the Trade Council is bound to delay making contact with the hominus until it is obvious that the hominus can produce a surplus of foodstuffs that would not be desperately needed elsewhere on their planet.”

“And how have the covert attempts at contact been received?”

“Thus far, your Honor, seemingly not at all,” Ghvui answered almost grudgingly. “Our produce sampling teams have left simple glyphs in areas where they have collected samples—messages that most of our current Trade Council worlds would not think twice about answering. The hominus does not seem to have a grasp on this particular series of glyphs, however, and so no formal contact has been made.”

“Very well. The Council Seat will take your most recent findings into consideration with the data previously gathered and will render a recommendation at a later date.” The Honorable Krythian clapped his gavel down onto the Council Seat Table, and Hrun and Ghvui bowed one last time.

“We thank the Honorable Council Seat for the generous gift of its time,” they chanted, and bowed their way out of the Chamber.

Hrun and Ghvui left the building at the same time, but made it clear to any and all who watched them that they had no intention of leaving together. Some hours later, an ____ and an Occitian were seen taking their ease at a public fountain some clicks from the Council House.

“Have yours gone through yet?” Hrun murmured to his partner, trailing leathery fingers through the purple liquid splashing from the fountain.

“Last went out yesterday,” Ghvui answered softly, gazing at the dancing violet droplets falling through the air. “The Terran grains should hit the markets sometime early in the next cycle.”

”What did you label yours as?”

“Completely harmless Cthyclothic cereal grains,” Ghvui stretched innocently, tail lashing. “Should fetch a pretty good price, even for black-market goods.”

“D’you suppose they’d jail us for trading foodstuffs off a non-Council world?”

“Us? Not really. We’re researching the planet, so we’ve got reason to have the samples. Besides, everyone who knows anything knows it was a pair of Krythian ore-traders that brought the first samples back, way off before the Council took interest in Terra. And if they graft into the soil and grow someplace like Cthyclone, they won’t be black-market Terran anymore, will they?”

”No, then they’d be legal, Cthyclothic, and worth less,” Hrun pointed out. They were silent for a minute. Then:

“Hrun, how long do you think we can keep the Council Seat only marginally interested in Terra while we pull livestock and grains samples off to sell?”

“Hopefully long enough for us to get rich, my friend. And with what we got for the last batch, that shouldn't be  
long at all.”.


End file.
